In my continuing attempt to look for sponsorship for the tour, I was graciously turned down by Mobilefun.co.uk. However, having heard about Tim’s constant texting during the Spain Tour 2010 (click here to have a laugh), they kindly offered to a couple of phone chargers which works for most phones overseas, just to ensure that we keep in communication with Tiger Tim.

Thanks to them and much appreciated. Click here to go directly to the relevant page.

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Sassco 11-a-side have ended their eight year run as a competing team in local leagues.

Unfortunately, Anthony Pearson, who was reluctantly thrust into running the team wasn’t given much help in organising the side when Davinder Sangha stepped down after the season opener. First half pitch fees and league fees were fully paid and it was hoped that match sub(scription)s would have allowed the team to pay the second half. This didn’t happen due to a lack of regular players, plus Durham FA’s reluctance to transfer the address and details of the team secretary to Anthony Pearson.

Representative team.
However, Sassco 11-a-side team will continue as a Summer touring team. This means that Davinder Sangha will pull together a representative team to play in friendlies against regional opponents in independent venues around the area.

Cyprus Tour 2011.
Sassco are also looking for a full 11-a-side tour to Cyprus in September, or a cut down five or six-a-side if players are not able to make it.

Website and name up for grabs.
Finally, the Sassco.co.uk name is available to any team playing in local leagues. This means that the website is available to any such team as long as they call themselves Sassco.co.uk and look to play in the Sassco colours and brand (red, white or blue and in Adidas). Davinder Sangha will update the site, but it would be the person running the team’s responsibility to produce reports and photos.

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“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

It was the usual one hundred and one texts the night before, but these were all from Tim.

1. Is the plan to check-in online?
2. We going to try and get seats together?
3. Everybody all sorted to go?
4. Am I making a video again?
5. We still only got five players?
6. Who’s playing in goal?
7. Do I need to check-in myself?
8. You got Sassco stuff for Mark?
9. Where are we meeting?

Also, as we only have five going on tour, Tim actually asked the same questions to all four other players around four or five times. So instead of in Portugal, where he probably asked all fourteen players a single question, we were hammered with question after question.

In any case, Mark Edmondson kept up the traditions held dear by Cresswell / McDermont / Greenwell / Muers, by staying out until 3am, therefore making himself and Tim late for check-in.

We all got on board easily enough and I couldn’t be arsed to video anything. I also forgot my memory card for the camera, so that spared a lot of photography (still can’t get used to the damn camera).

We landed in good time and undertook a massive taxi trip to the apartment and barely had time to dump our gear before popping out for something to eat and then passed the local supermarket to get some supplies.

The first game was against Port de Barcelona. A long trip to the port saw us facing a strong looking team playing Futsal. The digital scoreboard and timer was up and the horns announced kick off. They scored early, but Tim fired in the equaliser. We just couldn’t get used to the game and were 7-1 down by half-time. Getting the ball out wide and launching it into the box for the big man to nod on didn’t work.

By the time we got used to it, we had scored another seven goals, but eventually lost 14-8. We missed loads of chances. Tim’s hyperactivity kicked in and he was the star of the show with a hat-trick.

Port de Barcelona 14 Sassco.co.uk 8
Davinder Sangha
Tim Gillespie 3
Scott Hembrough 2
Dave Gourlay 2
Mark Edmondson 1

Afterwards, we took a taxi down to the harbour and watched Mark Edmondson and Tim Gillespie have man-orgasms eating plenty of fish food. I just went for the chicken.

Also, late at night, when Tim returned to the apartment, apparently he just stood staring at a wall for a good few minutes.

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Professional hammering.

The next day, we got a bit of an early morning hammering from our esteemed opponents, UE Sants. They were very good and played quick Futsal. Hembrough was getting increasingly frustrated by the game and called Futsal players world wide “gay.”

We got to the venue just in time, now being experts on the metro and map reading. Overall, the tour was more of an “arranging everything day-by-day tour”, so it was a bit more hectic as we didn’t have anyone looking after us until we got to the games themselves.

Needless to say, we got a walloping, and Tim Gillespie scored an own-goal. Thanks to Miki of UE Sants for arranging the hammering.

UE Sants 10 Sassco.co.uk 3
Davinder Sangha
Tim Gillespie
Scott Hembrough
Dave Gourlay 1
Mark Edmondson 2

Finally, we had no more games and time to relax. Unfortunately, we didn’t really have a great deal of time. Next tour, I’m definitely going to make sure we have one full free day to do what we want. However, we were all looking forward to watching the Espanyol game at their new stadium. It kicked off at 5pm, so we had plenty of time to get there.

But we were late to leave for the Espanyol game. We were meant to leave early, but Tim’s sitting there in the sofa, fancy shirt on, but only his undies on. I had to tell him to get “his fucking pants on”. Then, power-walking past a pub, Tim says: “I fancy a pint in here, like.” I stopped in the middle of a packed street, masses of Espanyol fans wandering past, “Are you fucking serious. One hour fucking late, probably a massive fucking queue outside the fucking ticket office and you want to go for a pint?”

Match was enjoyable. I had to get one dude to move out of my chair, but it was a good experience. Espanyol won 2-1.

On the way back, we had a drink in a bog-standard bar, before wandering to the main strip. By now, Tim had asked everyone twice (or was it four times) if they fancied a tapas. Instead of actually saying that he wants a tapas.

Tim and Mark stayed out quite late, but the rest of us had early nights. I was back first, then Scott and Dave, before later on it was Tim and Mark. Tim was rooming together with Dave G. Tim returning late was whispering to Dave G, “Dave….Dave…..” to which Dave replied, “Fuck off, Tim!” It didn’t end there. Tim then slowly proceeded to take off six velcro strips on his shoes very slowly.

On the plane back, Tim asked where we were going next and I finally turned the tables on him:

“Tim, where do you want to go. We’ll go wherever you want. Anywhere nice and warm.”
“Ummm, errrr….?”
“Anywhere you want, Tim.”
“Errr, I fancy going to a city.”
“Right, Tim, that’s generally where we’ll be going. Do you happen to have an exact location?”
“Errr, ummm, I fancy Spain.”
“No, Tim, we’ve just been to Spain. Where else?”
“Errr, ummm, errr.”
“The next time I ask a question, Tim, I’m going to wrap my hands around your throat while ringing it and asking.”
“I fancy Germany….”

Sassco.co.uk Cyprus Tour 2011 to take place 7th – 11th September 2011. Flights at current rates from Jet2.com are around £202 each. For more details, click here.

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Delighted to receive delivery of the new 2010 Sassco Bunker ball. Bunker UK changed their logo a while back, so it’s only correct to have a new set of footballs. The other logos show the 10th Anniversary logo, the Charter Standard logo and also the Spain Tour 2010 logo.

These are made to the highest FIFA Approved standards, with the usual durable material as they are regularly used on the second generation artificial turf for the 6-a-side League. They will also be used in Sassco’s 11-a-side home games and taken on tour to Barcelona, Spain in October 2010.

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Having had six so-called “guaranteed” entrants, we were narrowed down to four, due to two last minute (and expected) drop outs.

This means major changes. We can’t really afford to pay an agent to arrange the games as the costings were around £150 upwards and getting higher due to lack of players.

We are going to Barcelona now on the same days. The flight costs are lower than Isla Canela tour. The hotel cost will average at around £100 (no more) per person, based on four sharing a large apartment.

The plan is to contact local clubs, forums, etc. in Barcelona to try and arrange at least one game against a five a side team, plus sourcing a local goalkeeper from there. We are already in contact with two parties. One is an ex-pat who plays regular five-a-side out there and the other is company which has links with futsal teams.

Whatever happens, Davinder Sangha, Tim Gillespie, Dave Gourlay and Scott Hembrough will be travelling to Barcelona for the 22nd.

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Now fixed on the  22nd to 25th October, due to cheaper flights. Based on 13 people, the actual flight costs will be £134.60.

Accommodation (to be confirmed) is the Oasis Hotel, based on twin sharing, plus one triple (all to be confirmed and could change closer to the time).

Transfers from Faro Airport to Hotel and return on departure (around 40 minute drive).

Provisionally 3 matches with referees.

• Friday v CD Canela at the Estadio Municipal in Ayamonte
• Saturday v CF Ayamonte Veterans. Venue to be confirmed.
• Sunday v Destination Football at the Estadio Municipal in Ayamonte.

Based on 13 persons, the hotel price and transport, with games, etc. will cost £141.

Flights, as mentioned, cost around £134 (if we have 13 people – any more or less; the price will go down or up), so total cost for the tour will be around £275 to £285. The only thing not included is transport back from each game, but that won’t cost too much as the venues are near to the hotel.

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DF FC 6 Sassco.co.uk 4.

Day 3, the final day of the tour. I was up at 7:00am and by 8:00am was making my way to McDonalds for breakfast. Nothing was open so I was reduced to sandwiches from the supermarket. Most were up and ready. Greenwell and Muers weren’t and I looked a bit unusual banging on their door to tell the dickheads to wake up.

Eventually everyone was up and we travelled to the Hotel Alfamar grass pitch. We were presented with perfect luxury changing rooms. Muers was unable to play due to injury, excess weight and a mammoth blister. Harper had done his calf in and could barely walk.

Marky Mark – Action Man.

They went 3-0 up before Scott Hembrough grabbed a goal. Eventually they added another one and we looked finished. In the second half, we upped our game and got back into it. We missed so many one-on-one chances, that I got worked up again. Must be the heat. Marky was non-stop running all day. Scott Hembrough scored a long range effort to reduce it to 4-2, but they scored again. Then Hembrough added his hat-trick. Si then handled the ball on the line, but wasn’t sent off. Dave Smith, fresh from his leg over, saved the penalty and we broke with me laying the ball to Hembrough and then Cresswell, livening up his failure of a tour so far to strike our fourth.

I had a nice rant at Cresswell which lasted about five minutes. If it isn’t the cold, it’s the heat.

Greenwell prepares to take a free-kick.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t add to it and they scored at the death. Hembrough was awarded the Player of the Tour award for Sassco from the referee, who did all three games.

Sangha takes one of his long(ish) throws and Dave Gourlay shows off the gift from the opponents. The slow stroll back after the game.

On the night, there were more shenanigans. Muers suffered quite heavily, while Greenwell is classed as a permanent victim. Back at the hotel, we relaxed besides the pool. Muers decided to jump in and was almost frozen. Greenwell refused – until Cresswell pushed him in. He got out and dried himself off before Muers reached up and dragged him back in, towel, cigarettes and all. Like I said; he’s a victim.

Greenwell was burning with a desire for revenge most of the day and decided that the line had to be crossed. He asked me to download some pornographic material off the Internet, because he wanted to masturbate, then ejaculate into a small empty bottle of mouthwash. I told him he could masturbate over a picture of Emu instead. Anyway, the disgusting deed was done and while at our evening meal (which took ages to arrive), he deposited it into Cressy’s now cloudy beer.

Cressy was paranoid about things happening and we were in agony watching him hold the pint and put it down. Finally he did the deed.

On the night he got his own back. He urinated into a shot glass and Greenwell drank it. Also Muers suffered on the evening when he dropped off to sleep in Cresswell’s room saying “I’m not falling asleep, I’m not falling asleeeeeeep…” He was toothpasted over his head. He sort of had revenge as the following day. Cresswell suffered from toothache as he had no toothpaste left during the tour. All of it went on Greenwell’s face the previous night and Muers’ head this night.

All during the tour, unknown culprits wandered around the corridors banging on the flat door alarm switches. Very inconvenient for those responsible types trying to get asleep. So for the final night, I smeared my piss on the flat panel. Could have been worse; my original plan was to have a cup of piss ready and the first ring to be heard, I would have opened the door thrown the cup over the culprit and simply closed the door again.

Day 4 | The return journey.

Talking about the voyage home the following day. Everyone was ready apart from Muers and Greenwell. We actually left them, until Cressy, probably due to him ingesting Greenwell’s jizz, didn’t have the heart and persuaded the driver to go back for them. He did and we were horrendously late. The EasyJet check-in desk was packed. We did manage to get there and have a bite to eat before the brief flight home.

That’s it for Portugal. Thanks to all the players and Gary Thomas at Algarve Football Tours for all the help. This was his first “official” tour as a business and we think he did a cracking job with the organisation.

The 2010 destination isn’t fixed yet. Tel Aviv in Israel is my preferred destination, but realistically, it’s going to be the South of France or Spain. Cyprus and Greece could also be possible destinations. Will keep all posted.

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Juventude Sport Campinense 1 Sassco.co.uk 1.

As expected, the paranoia kicked in about 6:00pm on the Thursday evening. I must have sent around seven or eight (or more) texts to everyone with subjects ranging from passports, to times, to kits, etc. Most didn’t get much sleep. I struggled to get some shut-eye from 7:00pm, but eventually crashed out at around 10:30pm and had a good sleep. Being paranoid, I told Dave Smith, Scotty H and Harper to text me the instant they woke. I also warned everyone I’d be texting them when I was up.

Around 5.30am and the pre-match alcohol has begun to flow with Cresswell, Muers, Greenwell and Dave Smith. Double whammy for Greenwell. First, being sick several times and second, having his passport photo from his car thief days being shown around. Dixon, Greenwell, McConville and Muers.

Timing seemed okay. Scotty and Tash were picked up on time and then over to Dave’s. In check-in, I was a bit worried. The worst thing to happen would be a suitcase loss. My oversized Adidas wheelie bag had to be checked in at the oversize section. Security was quick and in no time we were at the bar having a few drinks and breakfast.

Only delays were Emu, Greenwell and Cressy. The nonces were standing outside the aiport downing their final cans of Stella. Apparently they were bombing down the A1 due to Muers forgetting his mobile charger. Both Muers and Greenwell caught a glimpse of Cressy’s mother and instantly had the hots for her. Mentioning her around twice every five minutes from then on. She had made them turkey sandwiches. Both Muers and Greenwell are now fighting each other for the opportunity to become Cressy’s stepdad.

Me and Cresswell celebrating the fact that Emu left his money and cards at home and has become the official tour beggar / skip rat. Muers let loose with the camera enjoys the scenery.

Timing was getting better. Greenwell was bricking it on the plane and made full use of the sick bag. He also enjoyed several trips to the toilet. He also focused on McConville’s eyebrows – who made the faux pas of admitting his lass plucked them.

Eventually we landed and then another priceless moment (all caught on camera) was the removal of the smirk on Emu’s face when he realised he’d left his money and credit cards on the mantlepiece. He had to sub the Euros off me and others. And began to come up with schemes in order to raise funds such as male prostitution, tricks for Greenwell and mugging some locals.

The baggage also came in perfectly, and in the sweltering heat (yes, get jealous) we were on our way to the magnificent hotel. A real impressive site and ten-fold better than the shanty town we were in Malta. We turned up in the lobby and saw the welcome sight of a large sign / banner detailing our fixtures. The only hiccup was that mine and the Tash’s room along with Marky’s and Bianca were ready, but the others weren’t until a few hours later. I made sure the Sassco flag was flying outside our room, but eventually we asked to take it down. We all crashed in mine or Greenwell’s anyway and within minutes, we were by the pool in a perfect spot next to a few topless birds.

Better hotel than Malta. Even the cockroaches are smaller.

First serious training occurred with water polo (or handball) with a Sassco ball. We discovered that McConville’s shooting was pants. Several players nearly drowned. Best moment was Muers, submerged slowly coming to the surface head first. I waited and cannoned the ball off his head to get a bit of height to get the ball to Hembrough who nearly netted (scored or whatever they call it). After that, the fun and frolics continued with both Muers and Greenwell getting more affectionate towards each other. But that was probably Emu trying to get more funding off his pimp.

We met Gary Thomas, the tour operator who gave us the low down and a round of drinks. We also noticed a decent article in the local paper about us. After this we had lunch in a local restaurant, but Cressy and Dave Smith went to McDonalds.

Quite a few crashed out at the hotel after this, before the big game.

Hembrough, Paul, Gourlay and Harper.

We walked it there. The stroll was around ten minutes up and down the hill and towards the original venue we were due to be in. However, we knew in advance that it was the excellent training 3G turf we were on. The team talk was good and the pre-match training was great. Only cock-up was Hembrough and Cresswell not having blue socks, which meant me and the Tash had to remove ours and give to them. This meant a swap over if any subs. Image is everything.

The match kicked off and our opponents, like us, were all shapes and sizes. We were performing better. Scott Hembrough broke the deadlock from a Greenwell through ball and looped the ball over their ‘keeper. Later on, Greenwell said to him, “Was that a Poborski style goal?” response: “No, Scott Hembrough, you daft twat.”

Priorities. The flag was erected immediately on arrival. Sangha and Hembrough suffer in the humid evening on the bench. Hembrough, like in Malta, scored the first Sassco goal and wins a £13 bonus. Plus, Gourlay continues the second half. George Dawes, what are the scores?

Muers, who was walloping around like a sap, then had a great chance to double the lead, only to see the ball strike the ‘keepers legs. It was then that we suffered in the heat. Dave Smith was called on for some great saves and his defence in front of him (Tim and Paul Mc) were very strong. Dave Smith looked for the short option to Dave G at left back all the time and we built from the back.

Second half saw tiredness kick in. They eventually equalised from a quick free kick and came into it strongly. Rolling subs came on. I came on for Dixon just after a massive “take them f**king socks off!” slanging match with him, and nearly had a perfect chance to score. I chested it down in the box and was about to let loose a left foot screamer until Muers came steaming in and shouted “bury it” which resulted in me completely missing the ball. Harper later said that had I scored he would have walked off and gone home.

Harper, Mulvaney, Sangha and Dixon (suffering) relax in the stadium restaurant afterwards.

More chances. Cresswell clean on shot at the ‘keeper, then right at the death, Marky’s cross shaved the post and Emu decided to nod it wide. So close. Torrents of abuse were heaped on Emu afterwards when we had a chargrilled chicken buffet at the stadium. I received several texts in response to the result and Emu’s miss. Most replies were to drop him.We’ve come to the conclusion that he whispers “Emu up front, Emu up front, Emu up front…” in Greenwell’s ear when they’re asleep together to subconsciously force him to play him in attack.

By midnight we stumbled back to the hotel. Si took afront at some public display of affection when Marky and Biance were hand-in-hand down the street, but I said if it’s acceptable for Muers and Greenwell, it’s good enough for anyone.

Some idiot, probably Cressy, rang my apartment door bell early in the morning and I discovered about eight missed calls from him on my phone. It was on ‘silent’ any way. Nob head must have locked himself out of his room.

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