Sangha and Hembrough with his award.

DF FC 6 4.

Day 3, the final day of the tour. I was up at 7:00am and by 8:00am was making my way to McDonalds for breakfast. Nothing was open so I was reduced to sandwiches from the supermarket. Most were up and ready. Greenwell and Muers weren’t and I looked a bit unusual banging on their door to tell the dickheads to wake up.

Eventually everyone was up and we travelled to the Hotel Alfamar grass pitch. We were presented with perfect luxury changing rooms. Muers was unable to play due to injury, excess weight and a mammoth blister. Harper had done his calf in and could barely walk.

Marky Mark - Action Man. Marky Mark – Action Man.

They went 3-0 up before Scott Hembrough grabbed a goal. Eventually they added another one and we looked finished. In the second half, we upped our game and got back into it. We missed so many one-on-one chances, that I got worked up again. Must be the heat. Marky was non-stop running all day. Scott Hembrough scored a long range effort to reduce it to 4-2, but they scored again. Then Hembrough added his hat-trick. Si then handled the ball on the line, but wasn’t sent off. Dave Smith, fresh from his leg over, saved the penalty and we broke with me laying the ball to Hembrough and then Cresswell, livening up his failure of a tour so far to strike our fourth.

I had a nice rant at Cresswell which lasted about five minutes. If it isn’t the cold, it’s the heat.

Greenwell prepares to take a free-kick. Greenwell prepares to take a free-kick.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t add to it and they scored at the death. Hembrough was awarded the Player of the Tour award for Sassco from the referee, who did all three games.

Sangha takes one of his long(ish) throws and Dave Gourlay shows off the gift from the opponents. Sangha takes one of his long(ish) throws and Dave Gourlay shows off the gift from the opponents. The slow stroll back after the game. The slow stroll back after the game.

On the night, there were more shenanigans. Muers suffered quite heavily, while Greenwell is classed as a permanent victim. Back at the hotel, we relaxed besides the pool. Muers decided to jump in and was almost frozen. Greenwell refused – until Cresswell pushed him in. He got out and dried himself off before Muers reached up and dragged him back in, towel, cigarettes and all. Like I said; he’s a victim.

Greenwell was burning with a desire for revenge most of the day and decided that the line had to be crossed. He asked me to download some pornographic material off the Internet, because he wanted to masturbate, then ejaculate into a small empty bottle of mouthwash. I told him he could masturbate over a picture of Emu instead. Anyway, the disgusting deed was done and while at our evening meal (which took ages to arrive), he deposited it into Cressy’s now cloudy beer.

Cressy was paranoid about things happening and we were in agony watching him hold the pint and put it down. Finally he did the deed.

On the night he got his own back. He urinated into a shot glass and Greenwell drank it. Also Muers suffered on the evening when he dropped off to sleep in Cresswell’s room saying “I’m not falling asleep, I’m not falling asleeeeeeep…” He was toothpasted over his head. He sort of had revenge as the following day. Cresswell suffered from toothache as he had no toothpaste left during the tour. All of it went on Greenwell’s face the previous night and Muers’ head this night.

All during the tour, unknown culprits wandered around the corridors banging on the flat door alarm switches. Very inconvenient for those responsible types trying to get asleep. So for the final night, I smeared my piss on the flat panel. Could have been worse; my original plan was to have a cup of piss ready and the first ring to be heard, I would have opened the door thrown the cup over the culprit and simply closed the door again.

Day 4 | The return journey.

Talking about the voyage home the following day. Everyone was ready apart from Muers and Greenwell. We actually left them, until Cressy, probably due to him ingesting Greenwell’s jizz, didn’t have the heart and persuaded the driver to go back for them. He did and we were horrendously late. The EasyJet check-in desk was packed. We did manage to get there and have a bite to eat before the brief flight home.

That’s it for Portugal. Thanks to all the players and Gary Thomas at Algarve Football Tours for all the help. This was his first “official” tour as a business and we think he did a cracking job with the organisation.

The 2010 destination isn’t fixed yet. Tel Aviv in Israel is my preferred destination, but realistically, it’s going to be the South of France or Spain. Cyprus and Greece could also be possible destinations. Will keep all posted.