The traffic beats the Tash, and a 5-1 defeat.

Sassco traditionally had a huge pre-season programme – sometimes up to 10 games. We usually played higher level teams, but always enjoyed the road trips. Report as below:

On a busy Saturday afternoon, both main routes into Cramlington from our side of the county were struggling with road works. I chose both the wrong routes there and back. Travelling there we got stuck on the Tyne Tunnel traffic. On the way back, the poxy Sat Nav took us on to the A1. Nelly went AWOL and we were also lacking Dave Graham, Mark Muers and Dave Gourlay, Titch Conlin from the regular set up. Marky Mark made a return, but just about everyone else was there from the previous hammering off West Auckland Town FC.

First error occurred when I drove into the kid’s playground and parked next to the swings. Simma (aka Driving Miss David Simpson), as expected, followed me. We eventually got to the car park of the Samms Centre. The centre was quite impressive – not too different from the changing areas at Northumbria Centre. We did have the unfortunate sight of Macca’s excuse for a penis in the changing rooms. Langan and Stoker both exclaimed, “How the f**k do you f**k with that?” Macca’s reply was that he wasn’t too bothered and that he’s learned to live with his inadequacies. The second error was that Harper was missing. We were now around ten minutes away from kick off. I just assumed he’d got sick of the whole show and dropped out. I spent around one minute on tactics in the team talk and around five minutes slagging him off, only for him to ring and say that he thought it was a 3:00pm kick off. Eventually, the traffic beat the Tash back to Sunderland.

With Tash obviously not going to show for kick off, me and Gourlay hastily put together the team (Gourlay was injured, but there for moral support). Stoker was plonked in attack from the off. Newcastle BT looked impressive. They are in a higher standard than ourselves, but finished near the foot of the lower division in the Northern Alliance (that’s the League, not the pre-Iraq War rebels in the north part of Iraq). Still, they would be classed the same as a strong Premier opponent for us.

It seemed to show as they had some decent chances in the opening moments. They eventually scored, but from kick off, Macca put Stoker through to equalise. From then on it was an even game. Our left hand side was weak. An “injured” (that’s what he claims) Dixon and Macca faled to stop the opponents putting in good crosses. A lot of it was a simple lack of marking and sticking tight to the opponents. We soon leaked two easy goals. The team was in a bit of disarray. Questions were being asked by the players as a change was obviously needed, “What’s happening on the sidelines?” someone said to Dave Gourlay, to which he replied, “Well, Dov’s taking photos….”

Changes were made. McConville who was ineffective and deserved his “Fancy Dan” label was moved from centre mid to centre half. Marky replaced him. Digga and Macca were also switched. Macca was inept on the left hand side, despite assisting with Stoker’s goal. He didn’t give much help to Dixon, who spent the game kicking the ball to the opponents.

The changes didn’t do too much. Within minutes, they were 4-1 up with a simple through ball. Eventually they got another and it was 5-1. After this, I came on to replace Dixon and the team immediately received a lift. No more goals were leaked. I can’t take all the credit, as Simpson pulled off some excellent stops throughout the ninety minutes. I went up for a corner in the last minute, but was thwarted by the ‘keeper when a goal was certain.

A good day out. Traffic was a bugger, but the Tash’s complaint that we need more local games is quite insular. He needs to realise that Sassco go out far and wide to promote the name. Sort yourself out Tash and give your head a shake. The pitch was quite hard, but the venue was excellent (in my opinion). The weather was also excellent. A bad result though, but mind you, I got some good photos of the airplanes and trains.

“Dov did well,” quotes Michael Pearson. ” We need experience like him in the team. These young-un’s like Campbell and Mulvaney haven’t got a clue.”

“If he came on earlier, I think the score would be reduced. Bad mistake keeping Dixon on as long as he was. I’m not sure having Harper as the coach is the right choice. Sangha’s team talk; especially the section where he slagged Harper off, was poetic.” said Gourlay.

“Suck us off…” said Stoker.

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Simma’s conceded nine goals in two games.

A chaotic back line, with Simma seemingly forgetting how he was supposed to be a goalkeeper. Even then, it was mistakes all over the pitch.

Country Park Inn were facing a Sassco team who were a pale shadow of the side which defeated them 3-1 away. This meant that CP Inn were 2-0 up within a matter of a few minutes. Muers replied to make it 2-1 with an excellent header, but at the break, CP Inn were 3-2 ahead.

It was 4-2 after the break, but another goal from Muers; a free kick, meant it was a tight finish, but Sassco failed to capitalise and suffered another mid-week defeat.

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Titch: The Miracle Midget.

The already bolstered missing list got even worse. Dave Smith was added to the list to those missing on Monday, and I expected this to be the first time we would present ten players.

However, resourcefulness and persuasion led to a total of twelve (including me) against the Times Inn. Stephen “Titch” Conlin’s last game for Sassco was back on the 5th September and he re-introduced himself to a crumbling squad with an emphatic hat-trick and performance.

Times Inn went 1-0 ahead after we had the better chances. The ex-Sassco trio of Mickey Donkin, Kevin and Paul McCluskey were more than pleased on taking the lead for their own team. After some dallying on the ball, Times Inn snatched it and their player hammered the ball into the roof of the net. But Sassco were soon back into it. A palmed save from McCluskey saw Titch easily nod the ball into the back of the net.

Second half saw Times Inn score from a poor offside decision from our back line. Instructions were clear that we go goal side, but Scott Smith, making his first return from injury, seemed to be in his own little world. Ironically, late on, he defended deep and Sassco looked comfortable. At this time, Sassco conceded and it was 2-1. Just when we thought it was going to be 2-2, Times Inn took a 3-1 lead, but Titch nodded another header in from a Scott Smith free-kick almost from kick off.

Finally, with around ten minutes remaining, the indomitable Titch rifled in a tight angle shot to make it 3-3. Another glorious chance was missed, but the resulting corner saw Anth Pearson’s face slap the ball into the back of the net.

A haphazard (some might say ‘shite’) performance from Sassco, but we cobbled together a team and managed to gain a result against a stronger Times Inn side than we faced on Wednesday a couple of weeks ago.

The good news is that the injuries seem to be clearing up and our ‘stand by’ players seem to be slotting in without any problems.

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McDermont, cap in hand, returns to Sassco and begs forgiveness.

A massively depleted squad was given an extra edge when McDermont decided to miss the 4-2 defeat against the Colliery Tavern on Saturday to watch the match in a pub. Having been accused of being a liar, publicly on Facebook, the slanging match continued with McDermont handing in his transfer request, and Sangha being indifferent to him leaving. A begging apologetic text was received on Saturday, but Sangha still held firm and didn’t respond.

By Wednesday, the squad of 10 had eventually bloated to 13. McDermont was there and sheepishly returned to the fold and graciously accepted a place on the bench. So 14 players kicked off against the Cambridge and Macca was immediately called into action to replaced an injured Dixon within the first few minutes. Sassco conceded midway in the half and performed poorly throughout.

Second half saw Wayne Ramsay replace Campbell, but Sassco went 2-0 down. By now, Stoker was in tourettes over drive, giving abusive commentary throughout. Late on, Sangha replaced an injured Simpson, who had come close with a first half header. The team had reduced the deficit by then, with Mickey Pearson acrobatically firing in a Mark Muers assist. After this, Sassco were on top and grew in confidence.

Three minutes remained when convicted sex-offender, Gareth Stoker, twisted Zidane style and secured the equaliser.

From a really poor performance; probably one of Sassco’s worst this season, the team gained an unlikely point.

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New Tavern annihilated by Teeb FC.

WWC FC 9 New Tavern Predators 0.
Another disappointing performance from the Predators as they failed to make an impact in their first official league game. WWC struck very early and never looked back. Teeb (Steve Farrer) was in particularly good form and scored a rare header on the 6-a-side. WWC didn’t have Steve Anderson in the side as he claimed he was “getting his teeth whitened.” He eventually turned up and we told him to stand under the damaged floodlight and just smile.

The picture inset shows Steve Anderson and Thomas Bell celebrating after the game. The lights were dim, but with Borat’s new teeth, they won’t be scrabbling around for any dropped change as the natural light meant that you could read a book outdoors with Anderson up until 11:00pm.

A very difficult start for New Tavern. As a new team coming in, they’ll be facing the two strongest teams within the league for their first two games (the second being against Redhouse Fusion). Chris Balmer’s team probably need just to get a good performance out for their next game.

Redhouse Fusion 1 Sassco.co.uk 0.

A wholly negative performance from Sassco nearly got them a result. It was in the dying minutes when Liam Wooton scored the winner after constant pressure throughout the game. Simpson was excellent in the Sassco goal. McConville had a glorious chance to score for Sassco just before they conceded, when he scooped the ball over the bar. Sassco were missing Muers and Mouat, but Danny Lay made his first appearance for a strong looking Fusion side, this season.

Both Brian Marley and Rikki Kennedy were sent off late in the game (on video). Also, full marks to Paul McCluskey for answering a late call from Sassco and also somehow squeezing the tight Kappa top over a tracksuit top.

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Apart from his goal, Emu did f**k all and now owes £24 to Durham FA.

Pearson opened the scoring but I was bricking it as the nice white shirts we were wearing were getting dirtier. I rode over Greenwell and Pearson’s instructions for the second half to get stuck in, by asking the team to avoid any sliding tackles or diving headers, as I’ll have to bump the machine up to 50 degrees, along with a pre-wash and a super-rinse. No doubt I’ll have to spray some pre-wash on and reckon it’s going to take at least two washes. Not good. Not good at all.

Anyhow, back to the game. Pearson opened the scoring with an excellent goal as we seemed to be under pressure. Nevertheless, we soon went 2-0 up when Langan scored a superb goal. Everytime we seemed to attack, we looked as if we’d get a goal. Dave Gourlay’s shot squirmed wide and I’m not sure what Mark Muers was doing. His shot also went wide.

2-0 at half time and we knew it was going to be difficult. The pitch was a quagmire by now and Country Park Inn, who also featured one of our ex’s, Mark Sammut, broke the fragile offside trap to reduce the deficit. They did have the upper hand, but eventually, as time wore on with around fifteen minutes remaining, Muers broke clear and used whatever comedy pace he had to secure the decisive goal. Up until that point, he was wallowing around in the mud like a hippo with an Adidas shirt on.

Greenwell got one right in the balls late on. Everyone was looking at the sidelines expecting me to do something. I just suggested I call his new girlfriend and tell her everything’s off, as he hobbled off the pitch, to be replaced by me. I went up front and spent the last ten minutes trying to navigate my way through the mire and at the same time keeping my shirt clean.

Discipline problems again. Muers, Langan and Pearson were all yellow carded. Also, Langan and Pearson are in arrears for £4 each and need to clear this before being eligible to play again. Mickey Pea’s been using the oldest trick in the book, by telling Emu that he pays me on Tuesdays. Muers not realising that I haven’t seen Pearson on a Tuesday for around three months.

The general discussion after the game was that it was a difficult game, but Dave Smith didn’t really have many chances to save. The ones he did – he did well. Our fourth win on the trot. To view the up-to-date table, bypass the one on this site and go directly to the WCFL.org.uk site.

The other thing of note was that, hypothetically, if me and Muers had a love child, we reckoned that he’d look like Wes Brown.

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Sangha defies Bell, Walker, Anderson and co. (Kyle wasn’t that good).

Sassco.co.uk 2 WWC 0.
The last game of the night sprung a surprise. Sangha drafted in two ex-Hendon players, McConville and Lee Ramsay, while WWC had the full complement on show, with Grant Foster, Bell, Robinson, Anderson, Walker and even Teeb!. Thirty minutes later, the aging Sangha, with several body parts hit, smugly walked off with a 2-0 win under his belt. An ultra-defensive performance with Ramsay and Conlin scoring for Sassco in the last five minutes.

Redhouse Fusion 5 Downhill Impact 2.
No Logan or Mickey Pearson saw a depleted side taken apart by Redhouse Fusion. An impressive set of goals in a good performance from Fusion. Especially considering that WWC lost later.

Wear Consulting 1 Town End Thunder 1.
A solid performance from both teams. Wear Consulting struck in the first half with an excellent goal, but Tyson responded with an equaliser in the second. An evenly balanced game. A draw was a fair result. 

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Juventude Sport Campinense 1 Sassco.co.uk 1.

As expected, the paranoia kicked in about 6:00pm on the Thursday evening. I must have sent around seven or eight (or more) texts to everyone with subjects ranging from passports, to times, to kits, etc. Most didn’t get much sleep. I struggled to get some shut-eye from 7:00pm, but eventually crashed out at around 10:30pm and had a good sleep. Being paranoid, I told Dave Smith, Scotty H and Harper to text me the instant they woke. I also warned everyone I’d be texting them when I was up.

Around 5.30am and the pre-match alcohol has begun to flow with Cresswell, Muers, Greenwell and Dave Smith. Double whammy for Greenwell. First, being sick several times and second, having his passport photo from his car thief days being shown around. Dixon, Greenwell, McConville and Muers.

Timing seemed okay. Scotty and Tash were picked up on time and then over to Dave’s. In check-in, I was a bit worried. The worst thing to happen would be a suitcase loss. My oversized Adidas wheelie bag had to be checked in at the oversize section. Security was quick and in no time we were at the bar having a few drinks and breakfast.

Only delays were Emu, Greenwell and Cressy. The nonces were standing outside the aiport downing their final cans of Stella. Apparently they were bombing down the A1 due to Muers forgetting his mobile charger. Both Muers and Greenwell caught a glimpse of Cressy’s mother and instantly had the hots for her. Mentioning her around twice every five minutes from then on. She had made them turkey sandwiches. Both Muers and Greenwell are now fighting each other for the opportunity to become Cressy’s stepdad.

Me and Cresswell celebrating the fact that Emu left his money and cards at home and has become the official tour beggar / skip rat. Muers let loose with the camera enjoys the scenery.

Timing was getting better. Greenwell was bricking it on the plane and made full use of the sick bag. He also enjoyed several trips to the toilet. He also focused on McConville’s eyebrows – who made the faux pas of admitting his lass plucked them.

Eventually we landed and then another priceless moment (all caught on camera) was the removal of the smirk on Emu’s face when he realised he’d left his money and credit cards on the mantlepiece. He had to sub the Euros off me and others. And began to come up with schemes in order to raise funds such as male prostitution, tricks for Greenwell and mugging some locals.

The baggage also came in perfectly, and in the sweltering heat (yes, get jealous) we were on our way to the magnificent hotel. A real impressive site and ten-fold better than the shanty town we were in Malta. We turned up in the lobby and saw the welcome sight of a large sign / banner detailing our fixtures. The only hiccup was that mine and the Tash’s room along with Marky’s and Bianca were ready, but the others weren’t until a few hours later. I made sure the Sassco flag was flying outside our room, but eventually we asked to take it down. We all crashed in mine or Greenwell’s anyway and within minutes, we were by the pool in a perfect spot next to a few topless birds.

Better hotel than Malta. Even the cockroaches are smaller.

First serious training occurred with water polo (or handball) with a Sassco ball. We discovered that McConville’s shooting was pants. Several players nearly drowned. Best moment was Muers, submerged slowly coming to the surface head first. I waited and cannoned the ball off his head to get a bit of height to get the ball to Hembrough who nearly netted (scored or whatever they call it). After that, the fun and frolics continued with both Muers and Greenwell getting more affectionate towards each other. But that was probably Emu trying to get more funding off his pimp.

We met Gary Thomas, the tour operator who gave us the low down and a round of drinks. We also noticed a decent article in the local paper about us. After this we had lunch in a local restaurant, but Cressy and Dave Smith went to McDonalds.

Quite a few crashed out at the hotel after this, before the big game.

Hembrough, Paul, Gourlay and Harper.

We walked it there. The stroll was around ten minutes up and down the hill and towards the original venue we were due to be in. However, we knew in advance that it was the excellent training 3G turf we were on. The team talk was good and the pre-match training was great. Only cock-up was Hembrough and Cresswell not having blue socks, which meant me and the Tash had to remove ours and give to them. This meant a swap over if any subs. Image is everything.

The match kicked off and our opponents, like us, were all shapes and sizes. We were performing better. Scott Hembrough broke the deadlock from a Greenwell through ball and looped the ball over their ‘keeper. Later on, Greenwell said to him, “Was that a Poborski style goal?” response: “No, Scott Hembrough, you daft twat.”

Priorities. The flag was erected immediately on arrival. Sangha and Hembrough suffer in the humid evening on the bench. Hembrough, like in Malta, scored the first Sassco goal and wins a £13 bonus. Plus, Gourlay continues the second half. George Dawes, what are the scores?

Muers, who was walloping around like a sap, then had a great chance to double the lead, only to see the ball strike the ‘keepers legs. It was then that we suffered in the heat. Dave Smith was called on for some great saves and his defence in front of him (Tim and Paul Mc) were very strong. Dave Smith looked for the short option to Dave G at left back all the time and we built from the back.

Second half saw tiredness kick in. They eventually equalised from a quick free kick and came into it strongly. Rolling subs came on. I came on for Dixon just after a massive “take them f**king socks off!” slanging match with him, and nearly had a perfect chance to score. I chested it down in the box and was about to let loose a left foot screamer until Muers came steaming in and shouted “bury it” which resulted in me completely missing the ball. Harper later said that had I scored he would have walked off and gone home.

Harper, Mulvaney, Sangha and Dixon (suffering) relax in the stadium restaurant afterwards.

More chances. Cresswell clean on shot at the ‘keeper, then right at the death, Marky’s cross shaved the post and Emu decided to nod it wide. So close. Torrents of abuse were heaped on Emu afterwards when we had a chargrilled chicken buffet at the stadium. I received several texts in response to the result and Emu’s miss. Most replies were to drop him.We’ve come to the conclusion that he whispers “Emu up front, Emu up front, Emu up front…” in Greenwell’s ear when they’re asleep together to subconsciously force him to play him in attack.

By midnight we stumbled back to the hotel. Si took afront at some public display of affection when Marky and Biance were hand-in-hand down the street, but I said if it’s acceptable for Muers and Greenwell, it’s good enough for anyone.

Some idiot, probably Cressy, rang my apartment door bell early in the morning and I discovered about eight missed calls from him on my phone. It was on ‘silent’ any way. Nob head must have locked himself out of his room.

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Wasted second half opportunity.

We were definitely going to be short this week. I knew this from last week when Nelly, Farquhar, Stoker and Langan all scarpered without getting the nets down.

However, Langan did make a return and was selected to start. Gourlay was still missing, but there were returns for Greenwell, Dixon and Gillespie. Stubba and Keith Mouat were also due to make a reappearance, but were unavailable. Ironically, had they been there, we’d have featured a number of players who played in our very first game.

The Colliery Tavern were beaten by us last season on the rare occasion where we had our full strength side. This time, it was a pale shadow of the strong team from last season. Stoker, Robinson, Graham, McDermont, Gourlay, Raeper and Richardson were all missing or had moved on.

The eventual result was one-sided. First half was a great performance. The wind was at us and we repelled everything we could. A superb cross from Langan quickly equalised their opener. They scored again, but Dixon’s cross squirmed under the ‘keeper. Last throw of the first half saw them lead 3-2.

Everyone thought the second half would be a comeback for us. It wasn’t. Instructions were to get the ball to their half and then strike on goal. Apart from the first ten minutes, when we had several chances which were missed, we seemed to lose the plot. They scored to make it 4-2 and the game was effectively over.

Ironically, despite the scoreline, Paul McConville had a superb game at centre half. Mistakes by his partner, Muers, were the reason for a few of the goals. The well known saying, “like a knife through air (not butter)” ably describes the movement of players past him. Tim had a good game as well coming back. Campbell also performed decently, despite Rikki Kennedy and Wooton abusing him from the sidelines.

Not a good start, but no arguing. Not bad.

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An opening day disaster in every sense of the term.

We were already quite short. Gourlay and Graham were missing. Tim and Campbell weren’t there and Marky Mark was also absent. In place we had Wayne Ramsay and Steve Stubbs helping out.

However, it wasn’t some much the 2-0 defeat, but the complete indiscipline late on. We were getting butchered in the surprisingly goalless first half, but after Tyson had put Cambridge 1-0 ahead in the second half, we had our best moments. Titch, coming back from injury, looked threatening, but missed two glorious chances. Stoker, playing in attack, saw his header shave the post.

It was then that the nastiness came out. Stoker and Nelly were at each others throats. Nelly was playing with an injury, so he had his excuses. Stoker walked off with two minutes remaining after Cambridge scored their second goal.

Stoker, Richardson, Farquhar and Langan will be absent from the next game due to the fact that in my team talk, I clearly stated players won’t be playing if they don’t help with the nets. I’ll stick to my guns.

Harper also failed to show as he had to arrange a hospital visit.

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