Simon (Osama) Mulvaney (First Aid), Wayne Greenwell (Team Coach, looking a bit off colour as he'd been blasted in his only testicle ten minutes before) and Davinder Sangha (General Manager).

Apart from his goal, Emu did f**k all and now owes £24 to Durham FA.

Simon (Osama) Mulvaney (First Aid), Wayne Greenwell (Team Coach, looking a bit off colour as he'd been blasted in his only testicle ten minutes before) and Davinder Sangha (General Manager).

Pearson opened the scoring but I was bricking it as the nice white shirts we were wearing were getting dirtier. I rode over Greenwell and Pearson’s instructions for the second half to get stuck in, by asking the team to avoid any sliding tackles or diving headers, as I’ll have to bump the machine up to 50 degrees, along with a pre-wash and a super-rinse. No doubt I’ll have to spray some pre-wash on and reckon it’s going to take at least two washes. Not good. Not good at all.

Anyhow, back to the game. Pearson opened the scoring with an excellent goal as we seemed to be under pressure. Nevertheless, we soon went 2-0 up when Langan scored a superb goal. Everytime we seemed to attack, we looked as if we’d get a goal. Dave Gourlay’s shot squirmed wide and I’m not sure what Mark Muers was doing. His shot also went wide.

Langan celebrates his superb goal, which put Sassco 2-0 ahead in the first half.

2-0 at half time and we knew it was going to be difficult. The pitch was a quagmire by now and Country Park Inn, who also featured one of our ex’s, Mark Sammut, broke the fragile offside trap to reduce the deficit. They did have the upper hand, but eventually, as time wore on with around fifteen minutes remaining, Muers broke clear and used whatever comedy pace he had to secure the decisive goal. Up until that point, he was wallowing around in the mud like a hippo with an Adidas shirt on.

Discipline problems for Gareth Stoker. Not only is he on the Sex Offenders List, he nearly gets his name in the referee's book. Anthony Pearson's Facebook profile photo. He's asked me not to mention the sitter he missed. Scott Smith wins the dirtiest shirt competition. Pearson, alongside him, scored Sassco's opener.


The mist comes down over Sassco, as Country Park
Inn score their only goal, early in the second half.

Greenwell got one right in the balls late on. Everyone was looking at the sidelines expecting me to do something. I just suggested I call his new girlfriend and tell her everything’s off, as he hobbled off the pitch, to be replaced by me. I went up front and spent the last ten minutes trying to navigate my way through the mire and at the same time keeping my shirt clean.

Discipline problems again. Muers, Langan and Pearson were all yellow carded. Also, Langan and Pearson are in arrears for £4 each and need to clear this before being eligible to play again. Mickey Pea’s been using the oldest trick in the book, by telling Emu that he pays me on Tuesdays. Muers not realising that I haven’t seen Pearson on a Tuesday for around three months.

The general discussion after the game was that it was a difficult game, but Dave Smith didn’t really have many chances to save. The ones he did – he did well. Our fourth win on the trot. To view the up-to-date table, bypass the one on this site and go directly to the site.

The other thing of note was that, hypothetically, if me and Muers had a love child, we reckoned that he’d look like Wes Brown.