Muer’s gets a hat-trick, but Pearson persuades Park View to give the Man-of-the-match to Langan.

Yes, we may have our fancy website; the best around. We do have our over ambitious, but still successful, tours overseas and we may be kitted out in the finest custom gear, including footballs, as well as being uniquely Adidas long before they started releasing kits in the UK. But we always remember our level, which is the lowest amateur level available to adults. This is something that Park View failed to get in their heads when the game was struggling for a referee. We tried long and hard to get a stand-in referee, with no luck.

Eventually it was decided that me, Brian Watson or Greenwell would have the honours. Spanner in the works when Park View refused to play under these circumstances. Pissed me off no end. What other reasons would a team at this level use? No clean running water, no room for spectators in the stands? To much dog turd on the pitch (apart from the players)? It’s quite obvious that I don’t give a hoot about health and safety. We need to look at the level we are at. If we have to ram two posts into either end of a pitch and run a string along the top, then that’s good enough for me.

In the event, Peter Maguire managed to get a referee in, so my rant above was wasted.

Park View had been a problematic side for us in the past, but they were a pale shadow of the team from a few seasons back. The much maligned and diseased Muers put Sassco 1-0 ahead, before his equally rotund partner, Langan, made it 2-0. Greenwell was absent due to work, so Michael Pearson picked the team in a 3-5-2 formation (the inset video shows the beginnings of his historic team talk). It worked, but both wing-backs, Dixon and Pea, struggled, so it was reverted to 4-4-2 when Park View came back strongly.

Second half saw Greenwell turn up and replace Dixon, who spent the second half slagging off Anth Pearson (until he scored). By this time we were 3-0 ahead from Muers before they pulled one back. It didn’t cause us any problems as we ran out 7-2 winners. Muers scored three. Langan scored two, while Stoker and Anth Pearson scored the others. Stoker actually provided a running commentary during the penultimate goal, calling everyone “paedo’s”, “kiddy fiddlers” and “fat c**ts.” Tourettes well and truly in force.

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Two fat ladies on top and two goals a piece.

A few changes for the Park View game. Bri Watson was missing and enjoying a dirty weekend at Lumley Castle and Harper failed to show again. Back to bare bones again, with only myself as substitute. However, everyone who said they were going to be there, did turn up. There were returns for Marky Mark, Dave Gourlay and Si Mulvaney, all who were missing last week.

Plan was to put the two fat golden oldies up front; Langan and Emu. Got to be realistic and say that Park View aren’t one of the stronger teams, but both did enough to warrant a return the following week in the same position. Langan fired in two and Emu did the same (with one disallowed).

Muers actually gave Langan a lift in the car and the discussion on the way was that if they were women, would they be slags? Apparently, Muers said he’d bring 10 blokes round to his house (which beats the 5 he already does). The discussion spilled out during pre-match when hypothetically, if some of the team changed into women and sold themselves, the pitch fees would be comfortably paid off. Yet there was a clause put into the change in that our faces wouldn’t change (but the bodies would). So the idea of a toothless Greenwell with long hair standing on a street corner swinging his hand bag wouldn’t be a decent way of getting any funding in.

Back to the football: Gourlay, wasted at left back, scored a penalty.

We were 3-0 up before Simon decided to pass the ball back to Simma. Sounds simple enough, but it was an elaborate scuffed kick, but referee, Terry Ward, gave a free-kick and Park View scored. We ended the first half 4-1 ahead.

Second half saw Tim come off with injury and me replacing him. Soon after we went 5-1 up when Gourlay’s cross was chinned into the back of the net by Emu. They then scored, but no more goals after that.

Tiredness was setting in and both teams suffered. The weather was glorious though and equally more as Sassco took home their first three points.

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