Squad details

Dave Smith
Dave Smith01 Dave Smith

Returns as goalkeeper for the tour. Currently playing for Sassco on Saturday when the manager gets one of his sadistic moments and forces Simpson to play outfield. An excellent shot stopper who compensated for the overly drunk and weak back four.

Mark Cresswell02 Mark Cresswell

Has since signed to Hylton CW where he won a division title, but was subsequently dumped by his girlfriend and also broke his masturbation hand. However, he is looking forward to the tour, despite the threat of being gang raped as the youngest member on the trip.

William Harper03 William Harper

Iconic local footballing legend. Will be making his debut in the Sassco Tour. Spent the previous season coaching with rivals, Sporting Redhouse, but has always made it clear he wants to return to Sassco, and did it, albeit part-time.

Davinder Sangha04 Davinder Sangha

Returns as chief camerman, player and organiser of the tour. Will be shoring up the defence in Portugal, as well as blaming Muers for any mistakes. Is currently going through a divorce so along with all the other singles, will definitely be perving around in Albufeira.

Gillespie05 Tim Gillespie

The drinking dark horse in Malta. Portugal will suffer the same. Not sure of his position as he fills a role in midfield as well as in defence. The Portuguese ladies will be swooning over his rug of a chest.

Scott Hembrough06 Scott Hembrough

Injured in Malta, but back to fitness for Portugal. A fashion disaster in Malta, but the styles in Portugal are more suited to his taste. The thong has been boiled and steamed and is the first thing packed in his suitcase.

Simon Mulvaney07 Simon Mulvaney

Another debutante for the Sassco tour. Will no doubt be baffled by the goings on, but not surprised having been a Sassco player since 2007.

Mark Middlemiss08 Mark Middlemiss

The only “professional” in Malta. Hopes that things have improved for Portugal, but it’s highley unlikely. Has been playing in defence for Sassco over the past few games.

Mark Muers09 Mark Muers

Now without his bedroom partner, Greenwell (in a separate room), so will have to snuggle in with Cresswell. Luckily he hasn’t got to drive a fair distance to the airport unlike last time.

10 Dave Gourlay

Back as Captain and chief inspiration for the tour. However, has been warned about bringing any Nike products. Claims he was also “professional” by having a drinking ban before any games. Needs plasters and vaseline to optimise his performance.

Chris Dixon11 Chris Dixon

Rumours are that he’ll grow a beard for the tour again. Will be operating in a variety of roles and is still classed as the medical man, despite not updating his First Aid certificate.

Chris Dixon12 Paul McConville

Self titled “Fancy Dan.” Rumours are abound that he’ll reform with Andrew Ridgley for a one off concert in Faro Airport. Always injured (but that’s no excuse for poor passing).

Wayne Greenwell13 Wayne Greenwell

Late addition to the tour after initially turning down a comeback. Scared of flying, so we’ve conned him into thinking his horoscope matches the first few episodes of Lost. But, instead of surviving, he’ll be eaten up by the sharks when waiting in his life raft.

Bianca Bellizzi14 Bianca Bellizzi

Official mascot, cheerleader and eye candy for the tour. However, it’s hands off as Bianca is unofficially Mrs Middlemiss (for the time being), as well as being chief match camera operator when Davinder Sangha is playing on the field.