With the recent Britain exiting Europe, or Brexit Referendum, result leading in an increase in racism. I think it would be responsible to part with some advice for ethnic minorities and EU migrants who are ingrained into the country and aren’t really going anywhere.

Proving you belong here.

  • Always have your passport with you, preferably the older blue version with a cut corner.
  • Have your birth certificate to show you were born here. Note that this doesn’t always work if you are non-white, as they don’t care. If you have the gift of the gab, convince the opponent (not difficult; most are a bit thick), that your ancestors first came to Kent back in the 700’s AD when it used to be called Cantia. I did this to someone many years ago, convincing them of an Asian population during Roman times (owning shops). However, this might backfire if they say something like: “Get back to Assyria where you belong.”
  • Possibly have a payslip with PAYE details to show you pay tax. Again, this may not work on some people you show it to them as they don’t pay tax.

Assimilating and making the locals comfortable.

  • Have a picture of yourself with a Caucasian male, preferably a thug like person, with a bald head and various tattoos.
  • Wear a non-Manchester United football shirt. Lots of Asians support Manchester United, so it needs to be a working class team like Sunderland or Scunthorpe. Not Rotherham, because they might think you’re a kiddy fiddler
  • If you have a Polish or other EU name like Bartek Filipowski, then call yourself Barry Phillips, or Dave. Bit more difficult if you’re Asian.
  • Make mention of England’s 3-0 win over Poland in Mexico 1986. Do not mention the 1-1 draw in Wembley 1973 and DO NOT mention the 2-0 defeat in Chorzow. Note. Alan Ball was sent off; England wearing yellow tops.
  • Share plenty of Jeremy Kyle links on Facebook. Also, share plenty of photos of St George and similar stuff even though he was a foreigner and never stepped in Britain. But then again, he’s the ideal foreigner: Christian, rides a horse and not in Britain.
  • When in the Polish food isle of the supermarket pick up a Polish brand and say to an assistant “Ey, mate. Do you know what this is? It’s in Polish?” If Asian, have a steak and kidney pie prominent in your basket.
  • On the Metro, if you are darker skinned or have just come back from holiday, have a clear rucksack so people can see inside it in case they think you have a bomb. When reading on the Metro, try the Daily Mail or Jeremy Clarkson’s shit biography.

Language and skin colour.

  • If slightly darker in complexion, try and enhance makeup (hint: you need lots of white). If black, try and look and act like Ian Wright, but NOT Carlton Palmer as that would backfire. If Polish and too blond, then tone it down and maybe lose a tooth to blend in. You don’t want to look like an albino and stand out.
  • If you are Asian try not to use your own language in conversation. However, if you do need to have a conversation using your own language, shake your head left to right and wave your arms like you’re taking the piss out of Asians.

Things to avoid.

  • If you go into a pub, do not say “Where’s the nearest NHS Walk-in Centre?”
  • Hide the EU part of your number plate.
  • Don’t shop at Iceland. It just winds them up.

If confronted or barracked. Defend yourself by saying:

“I was born here, mate.”

“I pay tax, I contribute.”

“My folks moved here and worked in shops/mills/buses, etc.”

Or if really confronted and in fear for your safety, resort to any of these:

“I’ve had my balls in your mother/wife/daughter’s mouth. Does that not count towards being a British citizen?”

“Fuck off, you Cunt!”