GB Outfitters – player profiles

David Duke, ex-pro, dirty c**t

Learn about our opponents! Here’s a very detailed player biography provided by David Duke from GB Outfitters.

Jonny Prested (Goalkeeper)
The many faced man; Ronnie O’Sullivan, Peter Whittingham, the count from Sesame Street, to name but a few. Also known as Jonny “Fingers” due to his ET length digits… handy indeed for a goalkeeper.

Gregg Brown (Right Back)
Many pundits think this man could have made it… in the circus… shot from a cannon. His size stalled his football career. Ironically one of only two men to have scored a header in the history of GBO 6 aside.

Antony Hoyland (Right Back)
AKA Taj. A striker trapped in a full back’s body. Loves a shot. Scores the odd worldy. Shoots to the sky. A modern day Rod Wallace. Eligible to play for three countries. Chose none.

Ravi Sull (Left Back)
Victor Meldrew. Moans about everything and anything. Loves the central space. Sexual Chocolate. Enjoys a rising shot. Strong as an ox; as slow as one too.

David Duke (Sweeper/ Striker)
Former Irish under-21. In the midst of a Gazza phase, circa 1998. Still got it but fitness holding him back… Hopes abound that the game versus Sassco will propel him back into the limelight. Dirty c*nt.

James Bowden (Centre Back)
AKA Rowdy. A footballing Inspector Gadget. A giraffe on skates. Mr Fantastic. Stretch Armstrong. Roadrunner. Most miles covered 2015. Never scored a goal at any level.

Liam Collinson (Libero)
A brute of a man. Pluto. Scores more headed goals at 6 aside than others score with their feet. Biggest wing span until the arrival of Guthrie. Now nicknamed The Twin Towers (with the aforementioned).

Rich Mundell (Centre Midfield)
Trying to shake off comparisons to the stronger mentally but weaker skilfully, Ravi. Loves a feint. Strikes a sweet ball but inner demons means he’s scored just two goals in three seasons. Emmanuel Petit without the ponytail.

Simon Peele (Centre Midfield)
Truncheon swinger. GBO’s very own Lee Clark; like a pendulum, side to side. Doesn’t venture too far forward. Jigsaw. Statistically the 4th best player in the squad.

Stuart Thompson (Right Back/ Right Winger)
Wayward “genius”. George Best of the squad. Tricks himself half the time. But quick enough to recover it. Whippet. The only member of GBO still trying to play Saturday club football.

Neil Clarey (Right Midfielder)
Most famous member of GBO: one half of The Proclaimers. Quite sprightly for an old fella; goal getter. Winner of Best Newcomer 2015.

Ben Harris (Attacking Midfielder)
Only smiles when the win is secured; a true professional. Hates everyone on his team. A white Tony Yeboah. Powerful finisher when above 50% fitness. Yoga expert.

Johnny Bowen (Wizard)
Sicknote. Play actor. Thespian. Joe Pasquale’s little brother. Nymph like. Pretty bearded ballerina. Upper class. Slipper wearer. Get well soon. We are all here for you.

Alex Evans (Utility)
Floats like a bee, stings like a butterfly. Wannabe spice boy. Likes a tattoo but Walt Disney couldn’t draw this lad. Young gun. Winner of goal of the year 2014 and 2015.

Gaz Bowen (Striker)
A once lethal striker, likened to Robbie Fowler in his pomp. Now like Martin Fowler. Brother to the better known Johnny B. Potentially the worst keeper in GBO’s squad.

Jon Guthrie (Goalkeeper/ Forward)
A more ’rounded’ Paul Scholes. Loves a tractor. Apt as he turns like one. Cat in net though. Known as “Moaty” by his close friends.

John Kelly (Left Inside Forward)
Mr Glass. Used to play like Micky Quinn. Now just looks like him. Scores trick shots from the byline. Never negates his defensive duties. Most Assists 2015.