DF FC 6 Sassco.co.uk 4.

Day 3, the final day of the tour. I was up at 7:00am and by 8:00am was making my way to McDonalds for breakfast. Nothing was open so I was reduced to sandwiches from the supermarket. Most were up and ready. Greenwell and Muers weren't and I looked a bit unusual banging on their door to tell the dickheads to wake up.

Full footage of Day 3 of the tour. This is also available on DVD as part of the 3-DVD boxed set.

Eventually everyone was up and we travelled to the Hotel Alfamar grass pitch. We were presented with perfect luxury changing rooms. Muers was unable to play due to injury, excess weight and a mammoth blister. Harper had done his calf in and could barely walk.

They went 3-0 up before Scott Hembrough grabbed a goal. Eventually they added another one and we looked finished. In the second half, we upped our game and got back into it. We missed so many one-on-one chances, that I got worked up again. Must be the heat. Marky was non-stop running all day. Scott Hembrough scored a long range effort to reduce it to 4-2, but they scored again. Then Hembrough added his hat-trick. Si then handled the ball on the line, but wasn't sent off. Dave Smith, fresh from his leg over, saved the penalty and we broke with me laying the ball to Hembrough and then Cresswell, livening up his failure of a tour so far to strike our fourth.

I had a nice rant at Cresswell which lasted about five minutes. If it isn't the cold, it's the heat.

Unfortunately, we couldn't add to it and they scored at the death. Hembrough was awarded the Player of the Tour award for Sassco from the referee, who did all three games.

On the night, there were more shenanigans. Muers suffered quite heavily, while Greenwell is classed as a permanent victim. Back at the hotel, we relaxed besides the pool. Muers decided to jump in and was almost frozen. Greenwell refused - until Cresswell pushed him in. He got out and dried himself off before Muers reached up and dragged him back in, towel, cigarettes and all. Like I said; he's a victim.

Greenwell was burning with a desire for revenge most of the day and decided that the line had to be crossed. He asked me to download some pornographic material off the Internet, because he wanted to masturbate, then ejaculate into a small empty bottle of mouthwash. I told him he could masturbate over a picture of Emu instead. Anyway, the disgusting deed was done and while at our evening meal (which took ages to arrive), he deposited it into Cressy's now cloudy beer.

Cressy was paranoid about things happening and we were in agony watching him hold the pint and put it down. Finally he did the deed.

On the night he got his own back. He urinated into a shot glass and Greenwell drank it. Also Muers suffered on the evening when he dropped off to sleep in Cresswell's room saying "I'm not falling asleep, I'm not falling asleeeeeeep..." He was toothpasted over his head. He sort of had revenge as the following day. Cresswell suffered from toothache as he had no toothpaste left during the tour. All of it went on Greenwell's face the previous night and Muers' head this night.

All during the tour, unknown culprits wandered around the corridors banging on the flat door alarm switches. Very inconvenient for those responsible types trying to get asleep. So for the final night, I smeared my piss on the flat panel. Could have been worse; my original plan was to have a cup of piss ready and the first ring to be heard, I would have opened the door thrown the cup over the culprit and simply closed the door again.

Day 4 | The return journey.

Talking about the voyage home the following day. Everyone was ready apart from Muers and Greenwell. We actually left them, until Cressy, probably due to him ingesting Greenwell's jizz, didn't have the heart and persuaded the driver to go back for them. He did and we were horrendously late. The EasyJet check-in desk was packed. We did manage to get there and have a bite to eat before the brief flight home.

That's it for Portugal. Thanks to all the players and Gary Thomas at Algarve Football Tours for all the help. This was his first "official" tour as a business and we think he did a cracking job with the organisation.

The 2010 destination isn't fixed yet. Tel Aviv in Israel is my preferred destination, but realistically, it's going to be the South of France or Spain. Cyprus and Greece could also be possible destinations. Will keep all posted.

FC Ferreiras 0 Sassco.co.uk 2.

A more relaxed morning. The long day the night before took it out of us. Si and Hembrough were having breakfast at a place called Betty Boop, next to the pub which was due to have the SAFC game on. Me and Harper wandered along and tasted the local cuisine and culture by choosing something called "a full English."

No sign of the others until we got back to the hotel. Cresswell claimed he'd had a blow job off someone who Muers later described as looking like Kenwyne Jones. Muers himself was nearly involved in a flare up when his bosom buddy told a big, scary looking bloke he was a cage fighter. The bout was due to take place on Saturday night. Emu also encountered a Transvestite. Think he got his or hers number.

Full footage of Day 2 of the tour. This is also available on DVD as part of the 3-DVD boxed set.

A few cliques were beginning to show within the team. Dave Smith clearly had Cressy as his "bitch." He's began to force Cressy to make his breakfast as well as tidying up his apartment room. Although when Cressy didn't do a good job, Dave emptied his suitcase on the floor. We also discovered that the theory of Cressy's gullibility is true. The theory is that if two people say the same thing, he believes it. I convinced him that we were playing the afternoon game on concrete, and by the time we'd walked a hundred metres I had told him it was indoors in a gym hall and we were going to play two games on Sunday; back-to-back.

In the Dixon, McConville, Gourlay room, Dixon had been relegated to a cold cubby hole while McConville and Gourlay were in the separate, warmer section. "Three's a crowd" said Dave G, while the exciteable Dixon tried to snuggle amongst them. Paul is also increasingly being referred to as a "Mincer" A term coined up by Mulvaney. The whole squad is frightened to be accused of this now.

After breakfast, we went on a wild goose chase to find Harper some cheap sun tan lotion. An hour out, we still didn't have any, so it was pool time. Harper then made a critical error and decided to jump into the pool. The only way I can describe it is like someone hoying a house into the pool. The error he made was that he did his calf in and spent the rest of the day walking around like a Tellitubbie. It was at this time that Emu had to bum more cash.

We caught the Sunderland game at a local bar and then trailed up to be picked up. We arrived at the FC Ferreiras stadium and had time to watch a local, lower division game containing plenty of diving and play acting and typical Latin temperament.

I was warned by Gary Thomas that our opponents today, FC Ferreiras (a representative team) would complain to the referee constantly. However, the game wasn't too bad. Greenwell fired in a bullet free-kick to put us ahead. Ironically, we performed poorly. Passing was terrible and we never picked out the right man. Eventually, Scott Hembrough scored the second goal and we were coasting.

By the second half, Emu had to come off after an inept performance, with him suffering blisters. I came on and it kicked off (not literally, but metaphorically). We were closing in on a second goal as we now started to dominate, when Dave Gourlay had a tangle with their player. They shook hands and it was over, but then the Manager of Ferrieras (who was playing) started saying, "Any more and game abandoned." Shockingly it occurred. Much to the bemusement of his players, he walked off and said it was abandoned. This time I steamed in calling him a "soft bastard" "Soft Shite" and probably "Mincer" somewhere in there.

I have a theory why it was called off. Back in 1961, India expelled the Portuguese from Goa using military action. The Portuguese weren't pleased, but they could do f**k all. Once their manager saw me coming on, he though not again. There's no way our 2-0 win over Ferreiras would be classed as the biggest thing to happen since the 1961 victory and bottled it. That's my theory anyway. It's probably bollocks and the Ferreiras Manager was simply an aforementioned "Mincer".

We had a few cold drinks in the bar afterwards where I was given a Ferreiras pennant. Harper dared me to burn it infront of them.

Party night. We all went to the Old Town and had a large meal and then over to some local bars. I drunk more than I normally do and started to feel the effects. Scotty H had left straight after the meal as his guts were rumbling. Greenwell discovered some Lesbians in a bar and was compelled by them (video footage of his wide eyed reaction uploaded soon). Marky and Bianca left just after midnight so I did the same. Was fine and relaxed in bed looking forward to some sleep when I began to throw up my guts. Did me a world of good. Bit light headed, but then the wankers started to ring the door bell when they started floating in. "A farce!" mumbled the comatose Harper in his sleep.

The main points scored in the evening was Davey Smith bringing a bird back to his room. Greenwell asked for some and was told, "f**k off you little twerp!" Greenwell also made the fatal mistake of falling asleep in Cressy's room. He was completely smothered in toothpaste, chocolate and ice. He had a Crunchie bar and Maltesers rammed up his backside and ice cubes stuck in as well. It was all caught on video and his screams were unearthly. A modified video will be posted shortly.

Also, I'll be banging on the dick heads' doors 9:00am in the morning. Revenge is sweet.

Juventude Sport Campinense 1 Sassco.co.uk 1.

Full footage of Day 1 of the tour. This is also available on DVD as part of the 3-DVD boxed set.

Timing seemed okay. Scotty and Tash were picked up on time and then over to Dave's. In check-in, I was a bit worried. The worst thing to happen would be a suitcase loss. My oversized Adidas wheelie bag had to be checked in at the oversize section. Security was quick and in no time we were at the bar having a few drinks and breakfast.

Only delays were Emu, Greenwell and Cressy. The nonces were standing outside the aiport downing their final cans of Stella. Apparently they were bombing down the A1 due to Muers forgetting his mobile charger. Both Muers and Greenwell caught a glimpse of Cressy's mother and instantly had the hots for her. Mentioning her around twice every five minutes from then on. She had made them turkey sandwiches. Both Muers and Greenwell are now fighting each other for the opportunity to become Cressy's stepdad.

Timing was getting better. Greenwell was bricking it on the plane and made full use of the sick bag. He also enjoyed several trips to the toilet. He also focused on McConville's eyebrows - who made the faux pas of admitting his lass plucked them.

Eventually we landed and then another priceless moment (all caught on camera) was the removal of the smirk on Emu's face when he realised he'd left his money and credit cards on the mantlepiece. He had to sub the Euros off me and others. And began to come up with schemes in order to raise funds such as male prostitution, tricks for Greenwell and mugging some locals.

The baggage also came in perfectly, and in the sweltering heat (yes, get jealous) we were on our way to the magnificent hotel. A real impressive site and ten-fold better than the shanty town we were in Malta. We turned up in the lobby and saw the welcome sight of a large sign / banner detailing our fixtures. The only hiccup was that mine and the Tash's room along with Marky's and Bianca were ready, but the others weren't until a few hours later. I made sure the Sassco flag was flying outside our room, but eventually we asked to take it down. We all crashed in mine or Greenwell's anyway and within minutes, we were by the pool in a perfect spot next to a few topless birds.

First serious training occurred with water polo (or handball) with a Sassco ball. We discovered that McConville's shooting was pants. Several players nearly drowned. Best moment was Muers, submerged slowly coming to the surface head first. I waited and cannoned the ball off his head to get a bit of height to get the ball to Hembrough who nearly netted (scored or whatever they call it). After that, the fun and frolics continued with both Muers and Greenwell getting more affectionate towards each other. But that was probably Emu trying to get more funding off his pimp.

We met Gary Thomas, the tour operator who gave us the low down and a round of drinks. We also noticed a decent article in the local paper about us. After this we had lunch in a local restaurant, but Cressy and Dave Smith went to McDonalds.

Quite a few crashed out at the hotel after this, before the big game.

We walked it there. The stroll was around ten minutes up and down the hill and towards the original venue we were due to be in. However, we knew in advance that it was the excellent training 3G turf we were on. The team talk was good and the pre-match training was great. Only cock-up was Hembrough and Cresswell not having blue socks, which meant me and the Tash had to remove ours and give to them. This meant a swap over if any subs. Image is everything.

The match kicked off and our opponents, like us, were all shapes and sizes. We were performing better. Scott Hembrough broke the deadlock from a Greenwell through ball and looped the ball over their 'keeper. Later on, Greenwell said to him, "Was that a Poborski style goal?" response: "No, Scott Hembrough, you daft twat."

Muers, who was walloping around like a sap, then had a great chance to double the lead, only to see the ball strike the 'keepers legs. It was then that we suffered in the heat. Dave Smith was called on for some great saves and his defence in front of him (Tim and Paul Mc) were very strong. Dave Smith looked for the short option to Dave G at left back all the time and we built from the back.

Second half saw tiredness kick in. They eventually equalised from a quick free kick and came into it strongly. Rolling subs came on. I came on for Dixon just after a massive "take them f**king socks off!" slanging match with him, and nearly had a perfect chance to score. I chested it down in the box and was about to let loose a left foot screamer until Muers came steaming in and shouted "bury it" which resulted in me completely missing the ball. Harper later said that had I scored he would have walked off and gone home.

More chances. Cresswell clean on shot at the 'keeper, then right at the death, Marky's cross shaved the post and Emu decided to nod it wide. So close. Torrents of abuse were heaped on Emu afterwards when we had a chargrilled chicken buffet at the stadium. I received several texts in response to the result and Emu's miss. Most replies were to drop him.We've come to the conclusion that he whispers "Emu up front, Emu up front, Emu up front..." in Greenwell's ear when they're asleep together to subconsciously force him to play him in attack.

By midnight we stumbled back to the hotel. Si took afront at some public display of affection when Marky and Biance were hand-in-hand down the street, but I said if it's acceptable for Muers and Greenwell, it's good enough for anyone.

Some idiot, probably Cressy, rang my apartment door bell early in the morning and I discovered about eight missed calls from him on my phone. It was on 'silent' any way. Nob head must have locked himself out of his room.

As mentioned earlier, for the second game (on Saturday), we will now be on 3G turf now, as FC Ferreira's first team will be playing on the main pitch. We'll probably go there a little bit early to catch their game, before taking part in our game. The photo of the new venue is shown above.

We play our host, Gary Thomas' team on Sunday just before lunchtime. Afterwards, we'll be at the Bar Solar Da Palanicie near the football pitch at Alfamar where we can celebrate our tour conclusion after our match.

More publicity in Portugal. Algarve Resident, the local newspaper (online and in print) for the area, will be featuring Sassco's tour. Thanks to Inês Lopes at the newspaper and also Gary Thomas at Algarve Football Tours.

Their website is http://www.algarveresident.com/

Pleased to announce that the local radio station, KISS FM Algarve will be mentioning our tour and also the match details up to and on game days. When we were in Malta last year, we were similarly featured on radio and still feature in the www.visitmalta.com website.

Thanks to Garry Auger from Kiss FM and also Gary Thomas from Algarve Football Tours for arranging this.

Kiss FM's website is at www.kissfmalgarve.com

After our late game on Friday (the day we land in Portugal), we've been invited into the restaurant/bar in the Imortal Stadium, as they have put on chicken and chips for after the match. Cost will be 14 euros each, so that's our Friday evening sorted. This will include some beers each. Our opponents on the Campinesne team will also join us as well.

When in Malta, we didn't have any flag or banner to fly from the hotel room or to drape Muers in.

For Portugal, we've obtained a two metre wide banner with the Sassco badge on. This was printed by Laurie Scott from Britannia Banners in Wallsend (click here for his contact details).

With only 27 days remaining until the tour, a few final arrangements have been sorted.

The times for the games have been set. The opening game will take place at 8:30pm on Friday, so we have a full day in Portugal to 'acclimatise.' The referee for all three games is Brian Rogers.

We need everyone to fill out their passport details on the Easyjet website. I've sent everyone a text about how to do this.

We also need to sort out our own holiday insurance. You have the option of covering yourself for injury, but recalling the Malta Tour 2008, the insurance specified that you'd only need injury insurance if we were part of a professional, paid team. Best to contact your own insurance provider for this.

The basics needed will be football boots, shin pads, blue socks and white shorts. I'll provide the tops at the airport. Everyone HAS to wear the black Adidas style track tops and the burgundy polo shirts. No excuses. Anyone who doesn't will not be selected to play.

We need to get to the airport early. Check in opens at around 4:20am, so we need to be there for then in order to avoid anyone being 'bumped' off the flight. EasyJet have assured me this is very rare and that anyone would be on the next flight and fully compensated, but I have made them aware that one or two off the flight would jeopardise the tour.

The principal squad and line up for the opening game against Juventude Campinese is as follows: Mark Cresswell and Scott Hembrough in attack. Paul McConville, Mark Middlemiss, Wayne Greenwell and Tim Gillespie in midfield. Dave Gourlay, Chris Dixon, Mark Muers and Simon Mulvaney in defence. Davinder Sangha and William Harper as substitutes. Bianca Bellizzi and Davinder Sangha will probably share video camera duties.

Two new pictures of the Municipal 3G pitch, courtesy of tour operator, Gary Thomas. This is the venue for our Friday afternoon game against Juventude Sport Campinense/Loulé. Looks quite impressive and in a good surrounding area. Appears to be warmer than Gateshead.

The other venues are shown below. Both the Estadio da Nora and the Hotel Alfamar pitches are on grass.

The Saturday game will be against FC Ferreiras in their own grass surfaced pitch at the Estadio da Nora. This is likely to be the most impressive venue we're playing at in Portugal.

Finally, the Sunday game against our host team, Destination Football run by the tour operator, Gary Thomas, will be on Hotel Alfamar's grass pitch. The setting looks idyllic and is a far cry from Downhill.

Remember the pre-match handshakes when we played our three games in Malta?

We received pennants and emblems from the opponents, while all Dave Gourlay could offer was a handshake and a smile (or a smirk depending on the look on his face).

To avoid Dave's embarrasment in Portugal I've managed to produce some Portugal Tour 2009 pennants which will be given to our opponents before our three games. The pennants are fully embroidered and are a general pennant for all three games. They are manufactured by the WEI SHIN company in China, who produce all the Sassco badges and embroidery.

• All transport (by mini buses).
• Airport arrival on Friday to Hotel Paraiso and return to the airport on Monday morning.
• No transport for the match on Friday as we can walk to the stadium, which is only around seven minutes away from our hotel.
• Transport to the Estadio da Nora on Saturday for the match against FC Ferrerias and return to hotel
• Transport to the Alfamar Hotel pitch on Sunday for the match against Destination Football and the return.
• The costs include the three football pitches, including referees.

So the hotel and flights costs of £192 plus the other match and transports costs of £66, means a total tour cost of £258.

Many thanks to Gary Thomas from Destination Football (one of our opponents) for arranging the pricing. Please be aware that it could go up or down as the tour is a good few months away, but in reality the difference will only be a few pounds here and there.

The cost will go down if any more are added to the tour. Note that the 13 include the non-playing Ms. Bellizzi. As of this moment, Marc McDermont and David Murton have not paid any deposit and haven't had any flights or hotel rooms booked for them.

Slight change on the schedule.

• Friday we play v Juventude on an artificial pitch next to the actual Municipal Stadium, but not in the stadium itself. 
• Saturday we play v FC Ferreiras in their stadium, Estadio Da Nora. There are some details about the team and small pictures of the venue here.
• Sunday we play v Destination Football FC on the Hotel Alfamar pitch.

So, to summarise,

• 16th October (Friday) Juventude Sport Campinense/Loulé (8:00pm).
• 17th October (Saturday) FC Ferreiras.
• 18th October (Sunday) Destination Football FC (11:00am).
  

Transport costs are being arranged now and we should have a full price very soon. Have to make a mention now of Gary Thomas from Destination Football, who is doing all the hard work in arranging opponents and venues. He's arranged similar tours before so, just like Pierre Azzorpardi in Malta, I'm sure everything will be exceptionally organised.

The new Portugal Tour 2009 shirt is as shown in the image. The brand is Adidas (obviously) and the sizes are based on the requests made by the individual player. The shirt was purchased from Soccerkings, our regular supplier of low cost team wear. The numbering on the back will be the typical curved Sassco text and numbers as have appeared on the shirts since 2006.

A track top is also being produced for all players to wear on the tour. The burgundy polo shirts will also be used. Anyone refusing to wear any of the items will not be selected to play in the games (so don't bring your Nike coat like you did last time, Dave Gourlay).

Municipal Estadio de Albufeira. It's likely that we'll be playing on this pitch on Friday evening.	Municipal Estadio de Albufeira. We'll be on the same pitch on Sunday.
Hotel Alfamar Football Pitch. It's likely that we'll be playing on this pitch on Saturday.	Hotel Alfamar Football Pitch. A close up of the pitch.

The opponents and pitches have been provisionally confirmed. Bear in mind that we won't be sure of playing in the large stadium venue as the main team could be playing there.

16th October (Friday) Juventude Sport Campinense/Loulé (8:00pm).
17th October (Saturday) Destination Football FC, a local team.
18th October (Sunday) Albufeira FC (Imortal Desportivo Clube).

19th October (Monday) We fly back to Newcastle. There is also an option to fly back on Sunday evening.

Rough costs are shown in the 28th November news section (just below). So far, William Harper out of the new players has paid his deposit.

Sassco.co.uk Portugal Football Tour 2009

Sorted out the rough itinerary.

16th October (Friday), we fly out and should have a game against a Portuguese or Dutch team.
17th October (Saturday), we have a confirmed game against Destination Football FC, a local team.
18th October (Sunday), we are due to play Albufeira FC, a local team.
19th October (Monday), we fly back to Newcastle.

Rough costs are as follows (this is based on 14 actual players. Any less, then the individual prices will go up. Any more and they are likely to be lower):

Flights from Newcastle to Faro (and back) £140.
Hotel Paraiso Albufeira (one double and four triple rooms) approximately £50 per person.
Transport to and from the games (and from the airport) is not confirmed yet, but I'd say around £40 per person.
The actual game cost is probably going to be around £20 or £30 each.

So the total (approximate) cost to pay is around £260.

THE DEPOSIT of £150 is to be paid on the 31st March. Deposit is due from every playing and non-playing person. Once deposits are in, then the non-playing persons will find out the cost. Every playing person will be paying around £260 and no more than £300 (unless something drastic happens). Non-players will pay less as I won't be adding match costs. You could book your own hotel if you so wish.

Hotel website click here Review of the hotel click here